BANK ROBBERS AND STUPIDITY

Now we will deal with wingnuts who decide that they need to go to where the money is

and illegally take their share of it on a large scale. I am talking about bank robbers. The

bank robber is a special kind of JACK. (Jack Assed Crazy Kook) It takes a hell of a lot

of courage (and dumbassedness) to go into a bank to rob it. And think that you will get

away cleanly with it. In a bank, you have armed guards, cameras everywhere, and let’s

not forget silent alarms. But bank robbers use some half-assed-jacked up logic. Some

logic that only some screwball cartoon character can come up with.

As with what you have already read so far, I will now give you overwhelming proof that

bank robbers and criminals have something in common: They both are BAN’s!!! (Big

Ass Nimrods)

Starting in Columbus, Ohio, John Gladney robbed the National City Bank and then

was seen walking strangely and in a lot of pain about a block away from the robbery.

When police stopped Gladney, they found out that he had been hurt when he stuffed

the stolen bank money, which also had an exploding dye pack in it, down his pants

and the dye pack went off near his groin. He was arrested for aggravated robbery.

Eric Denton of Toledo, Ohio robbed a bank and then went back to his getaway car

to find it would not start. So then he tried to carjack a car with two men in it. Too bad

for Eric that the two men in the car were off duty police officers who arrested Eric on

the spot.

Remember I said earlier in the “Criminals and Stupidity” section about how bad

planning and unforeseen thing happening to foul up their already jacked up plan? Well

these stories are proof of that. And now these two get to spend a lot of time in prison.

To prove that some bank robbers have no link to having good sense (Or keeping their

mouths shut), I present you this story.

In 2004, at a federal court in Austin, Texas, accused bank robber Adam Martin acted as

his own lawyer at his trial. Martin called his brother Michael as a character witness for him,

even though Adam knew his brother Michael had ALREADY plead guilty to being his partner

on four robberies. Adam then asked his brother Michael if he had ever did any of the

crimes. Michael then said: “Yes you did. You were with me on four of the bank robberies

Adam. You know that already”

Here's a little tale to tell you all: There once was a lion that killed and ate a bull. Then feeling so full

of himself, he started roaring and roaring and roaring. A hunter heard the lion roaring came along and

shot the lion. The moral of this (And Adam's story as well): If you are full of bull, KEEP YOUR MOUTH

SHUT!!!

Let’s again go back to the “Criminals and Stupidity” section. In the first story of that part, I

told you about Marcus Stallings and Darren Tyler, the pair of idiots that tried to rob the

McDonald’s in Lee’s Summit, Missouri. But first they had to load their gun in the bathroom.

Continuing with the theme of bad beforehand preparation, we find two dimwits (One in

Hampstead, North Carolina and one in Versailles, Illinois) who put on their bank robbers

masks way too early. In each case, bank employees saw them coming with their masks on

and they just simply went over and locked the doors and then called police. Both of these

losers were arrested real fast.

Also, as we are talking about DD (Double Dumbasses) let us now find out about the pair

of clowns in Dearborn, Michigan that robbed a Bank One bank and then tried to make

their getaway on mountain bikes. What these FDA’s (Freakin Dumb Asses) were unclear

on the concept of ,was shifting gears on the bicycles. These two were in first gear, which is

the hardest pedaling gears on a bike. They were seen moving so slow that one witness to

their crime was able to follow them on foot and a bank guard was able to catch up to them

and shoot one of them in the arm. Needless to say, they both were arrested.

How the hell do you not know how to or remember to shift gears on the bike? Did you not

ride the bike quite a few times BEFORE you tried to rob the bank? Did you not RIDE THE

BIKE IN A HIGHER GEAR BEFORE you robbed the bank?

Something is wrong here. While I need my head examined by ONE psychiatrist, these two

need a WHOLE TEAM to examine their heads.

Sometimes the bank robber is done in by his own outright and obvious stupidity. When this

happens, we who have some good sense have every right to call them FI’s. (Freakin Idiots)

Let’s look at (After reading this story, you probably do not want to look at him) Booker Boyd

of Columbia, South Carolina who robbed a bank dressed as a woman. Police caught Boyd

driving a stolen car and still wearing the women’s clothes. One deputy said it was easy to

tell it was Boyd dressed as a woman because he had not shaved off his mustache.

Or the strange case of Knute Falk, who robbed a Bank of America bank in Beaverton,

Oregon. Falk was caught by police when while he was robbing the bank, had demanded a

customer’s car keys. He then walked out and after a minute or two, CAME BACK IN THE

BANK WITH HIS MASK OFF to ask the customer which key opened the car door.

In the seat next to Knute Falk in the dumbass class, sits John Faux of Niagara Falls, New York

who was arrested and charged with bank robbery of a Key Bank branch of $2000. Faux had

complained to the teller that he demanded $100 million not $2000 and they were still arguing

about it when the police showed up.

Is not the end idea of any crime is to get away with it? Especially robbery? Matter of fact, in a

robbery you have to get away FAST! The faster, the better. So why the hell did these two losers

in their total dingbatedness, STAY AT THE BANK TOO LONG? They knew they had to make a

FAST getaway BEFORE they robbed the banks.

But these two losers have nothing on this idiot in Auckland, New Zealand. He robbed the bank

and then has the SS (Screwball Stupidity) nerve to CALL UP the bank manager and order him to

stand out in front of the bank with more money (He was mad because he was not satisfied with

the amount of money HE HAD STOLEN from the robbery) and he would take it from him as he

drove by. This jackass never showed up but police traced his phone call and caught him that

way.

What the hell kind of CAL (Crazy Ass Logic) is this? You get clean away with the robbery and

then you call the bank up to tell them you DID NOT STEAL ENOUGH WHEN YOU ROBBED

THEM AND YOU WANT THEM TO GIVE YOU MORE MONEY?

Sheeeesh!

Moving on to another JLL (JackLegged Loser), we find that in Cambridge, Massachusetts, a

two week spree of ATM holdups ended with the arrest of Richard McCabe. In four of the five

robberies, the ATM security camera took pictures of McCabe. He was so disliked that when

police released the ATM pictures to the public, over 100 people called in to tell on McCabe.

He might as well have put his picture on the most wanted board in the post office.

In their infinite, stupid ass wisdom of planning their crime, sometimes the bank robber forgets

the most obvious thing when they use a holdup note: To take their name off the note. It is very

key to the successful getaway that the bank and the police do not know who you are. However,

the following Moonheads have not learned that lesson.

Thomas Mason was arrested for robbing the Fortress Bank in Winona, Minnesota. He was later

identified by bank employees, but the key evidence against him was the threatening holdup note

which began cheerfully “Hi, I’m Thomas Mason.”

Fort Worth Texas police caught a man who robbed a Wells Fargo bank after the holdup note he

wrote was on the back of his resume.

Ronald McAllister robbed a Bank of America in Tulsa, Oklahoma during which he told a teller

“Don’t do anything stupid, lady.” After he left with the money, he forgot to take his holdup note,

which was a preprinted withdrawal slip with his name on it. Police had no trouble finding him.

At this point I have to ask a stupid question to go along with Ronald’s stupidity: How could you not

know what the hell you are writing your holdup note on? All you have to do is turn over the paper you

are writing on. Or make sure there is no writing on the paper BEFORE YOU EVEN WRITE ON IT!

But that seems like it is so very hard to do. For NN’s (Neptunian Nimrods) it is hard to do.

Still filling up the dumbass class, we find Charmaine Stein of Riverhead, New York who robbed a

Chase Bank of $22,000. He was caught when on the other side of the holdup note he wrote was a

bulk mail advertisement that had his name and address on it.

How could you not know that your name and address was on the other side of a bulk mail ad? Did

you not read the thing when it came in the mail? Or even after?

Kansas City, Missouri has it’s” real winners” too. Dennis Watson plead guilty to bank robbery in 2005

when he robbed a U.S. Bank AFTER being a regular customer there. Watson cashed a travelers check

that had his name and drivers license number had been written. The next day he came back and then

demanded money from a teller. The events were quickly connected and Watson was later identified

from a picture.

In October of 2001, Timothy Nevels was sentenced to five years and three months in prison for holding

up a UMB Bank in Kansas City, Kansas. Nevels walked into the bank with a briefcase and said he had

a bomb in it. He then grabbed money from a teller before leaving without the briefcase. However, one of

the bank’s customers was an off-duty police officer who chased Nevels outside the bank. The customer’s

husband, who also was a police officer then followed Nevels into an alley where he tried to steal a truck.

The couple then arrested Nevels at gunpoint. It was later learned that there was no bomb in the briefcase

but there was a box in it with Nevels name and address on it.

And let’s end this with a story that is JUBC. (Jacked Up Beyond Comprehension). In Kansas City, Kansas,

John Sarver plead guilty to six counts of bank robbery between January 2002 and December 2003. Sarver

was arrested when police searched his house and found a to-do list, reminding him to “rob bank” written on

it.

I have written myself many to-do lists. None of them had “rob bank” on it. Maybe John’s next to-do list should

also have on it “get good sense.”

The human mind has untold potential in it. Sadly, this also goes for the fact that some of that unrealized

potential is also related to the infinite depths of stupidity our minds have. And the bank robbers on this page

should serve as a lesson to us all that unrealized potential stupidity can be realized.